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Be Righteous in the Dark

Brigham Young once said, “We need to learn to be righteous in the dark.”

There are a couple of ways I look at this. One, is with to be without sight. It is difficult to be blind. I know this first hand. Yet, I don’t believe that is the type of “dark” he was referring to.

Sin is a form of darkness. I know that when I was living in sin, I hated it. I did not like myself, and had no great love for those whom I was with; those who seemed to enjoy what was being done. I cared about them, but when I would say things like, “I don’t think we should be doing this.” I was laughed at and made to believe that I was wrong. I was not good enough to be “good” yet not bad enough to be “bad”. It was very frustrating.

We are surrounded by the dark. Not just what happens after the sun goes down, but even while the sun is up in the sky. It was then and is now- very dark and growing ever darker.

One day, I was in the bathroom and thought, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” There came a thought into my mind, “You don’t have to.” I decided right then, I was not going to do those things any more. I felt, even if they kill me, I will not do those things anymore and I didn’t.

There have been times since then I wished my life had been different, but through it all, I can say, “I never did those things again and I like myself. It matters not rather others like me or not. I can live with myself, which was hard for me to do growing up. Do you like yourself?

Yesterday, I watched a movie from the early 1960’s. It was a classic with Henry Fonda. I could not finish watching it. You might ask why? It was not even p.g. rated (No sex, violence, curse words, etc). What I saw and felt as I watched it surprised even me. I learned that “I” had learned how to be righteous in the dark.

In that movie, there was a young woman working at a store selling clothing and two people came in and sort of “took her under their wings” to “help” her. They appeared to be very rich people and bought her nice clothes and took her to a fancy party. They encouraged her and gave her money, which she and her roommate had very little of.

I know that is how Satan and those who follow him work. They give the appearance of doing something good for someone, yet it is all for show. They really care less about the other person, but rather they use that person to get what they want.

In the movie, they convinced the girl that she could help them get rich, have luxury, and be happier than she ever dreamed possible. At first, she refused and tried to leave, but they managed to convince her it was no crime. All she had to do what just be a “pretty” girl and then get “rich” men to give her “gifts”, or keep them distracted while they did what they knew how to do.

Let me share with you that this is a “combination” that has been used since time began. There are three ways that Satan works. I have seen them all, up close and personal. One: Pleasure and pain. Two: Enticement and lies. Three: Wealth and murder. (This is not just murder of the body but rather murder of virtue, spirit, and truth) They teach that good is evil and evil is better than good.

That is a knockout punch, wouldn’t you agree?

It has been well over 60 years since I was introduced to these “combinations” and they are still in force today. But now it is so ingrained in society that most people cannot see it for what it really is.

About 20 some years ago a woman shared a story about chocolate chip cookies. She described this combination in words that were simple for people to understand, yet I’m sorry to say most people just thought it was cute “fairy tale”. They did not see the danger in a “little” chocolate.

Brothers and sisters: That story was not about a fairy tale, nor are the combinations that Lucifer would have you adult’s ingest a joke. Most of you were brought up watching Television. Slowly, over time evil was introduced in such a way, that you never knew you were being polluted. You still find those things fun and funny, after all, there is no sex, violence or whatever. But let me warn you, Satan knew exactly what he was doing. He would never give you what it really is up front.

God and those who follow Him give you truth up front. God’s truth is plain, clear, and up front. He has given us greater truth than He gave your ancestors. Prophets = Living prophets have tried to share God’s truth for thousands of years. Today, we have living prophets among us again. Yet, they are speaking, and many ignore what they are saying. How sad is that?

God’s truths were polluted over time until people stopped listening to the real prophets that Father keeps sending to warn us and teach us how to be careful. People tend to pick and choose which things they want to do and not do. Please, think about what you decided you did not want to hear or live.

The moment you stopped doing what the prophets counseled, was when you drew closer to the dividing line. When we don’t follow the counsel of the prophets we stop being safe. Don’t think for a second that you will wait until the last minute and then your friends can save you. That is one of Satan’s lies.

A storm is coming, brothers and sisters. A storm like no other you have seen. I do pray you are standing on Hallowed Ground. Until we meet again, may God be with you.

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Tribute to Police

I want you to know that I honor and respect those who risk their lives to defend and protect the innocent. Those who go beyond the call of duty as they offer a kind word or a smile when they see someone who needs it.

My first encounter of kindness was because of a police officer who lifted me out of a tub of water where I was being drowned. I shall always hold a special place in my heart for him, and in memory of him, have forgiven the officers who have treated me unkindly because they did not know who I am.

In today’s world of strife and turmolt we hear more about the evil being done by people than the good being done by many. I would like to share my experiences with those who were kind in my life during times of trial.

Many times growing up I slept in trees rather than be sold to those who abused me in ways I will not talk about. I slept in a turkey ranch bathroom one time, and found that hiding place better than in the home of evil. Many times in my youth, when the police found me, they did lock me up because I refused to go home. Behind bars I was safe, and am grateful for that safety. I’m sure others find that strange, but for many children, it is the only form of safety they have. Thank you for all those you saved from things worse than most “normal” people understand.

As an adult, I worked at a Juvenile Hall and was able to help a few girls who were there for reasons I understood. I found I could not do it very long, because I wanted to take them home with me, but since I had no husband, I could not do that for them. I thank all those who take in older children and tolerate their deeds while they learn that there really are good people in the world.

After a burglary, when I was in my 20’s, police rescued me once again. At the police department, while I did not like the questions they ask and the photographs they took, I did understand why they had to do those things. Years after that, I became an advocate for those girls and women who had to suffer what needed to be done. I kept the officers from putting the blame on the wrong person. Know that even a hooker should not be raped or tortured. No female or male should be raped or tortured.

My second husband left me right after that rape baby was born. Back then, it was felt by some that cancer was contagious and he learned I had it and didn’t want to catch it. The night he left, I took the baby, got into my car and began to drive. I saw the lights in my rearview mirror. The officer came up to the window and saw that I had been crying. His partner saw the baby on the seat, opened the door and began to lecture me about the danger I put my child in. The first officer hushed his partner and drove me, the baby and my car to a donut shop. We sat and talked for a very long time. By the time I had calmed down, he called his wife and she and I stayed together for several days, until I was able to pack my things and find another place to live. We stayed friends for many years. I know that was above and beyond what most would have done. Thank you.

Many times I have had interaction with the police, some experiences were not good, when there was misunderstanding on how to treat a woman like me. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which began in my early youth and continued until old age.

I have known the fear of standing in front of loaded weapons to defend and protect the innocent. I have known the pain in trying to stop a person on drugs from doing harm to themselves or others. I know the frustration of having to not say or do anything when I see things I can not change. I know the nightmares of injuries inflicted by those who only wanted me dead. I also know the joy of helping someone and seeing them after the drama is over and they are doing well. I also know the peace that comes from knowing that even though sometimes we fail, we are not failures. The peace that comes when we do what is right even when all around us there is no peace. I know that we can stand when the earth shakes to help those who can not stand.

When you have been where the Police have been, then you can know most of them are doing the best they can with what they have to deal with. I salute the police. I honor you. I pray for God to bless and protect you. I know that angels are around you and recording all that happens to you.

Those who abuse anyone will have to answer for what they do, just as what we all do is put on the books in heaven and we will all be accountable for what we do. I know when we do good, in spite of what is going on around us, that God smiles and someday we shall receive our reward.

Thank you with all my heart for the kindnesses you have shown me and others.  

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Respect to an Unknown Woman

While I honor and respect good men, I also honor and respect good women. I know Jesus does as well.

I share with you the story that Jesus asked us to share about one particular woman:

“And being in Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he (Jesus Christ) sat at meat, there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and she brake the box, and poured it on his head.

“And there were some that had indignation within themselves, and said, Why was this waste of the ointment made?

“For it might have been sold for more than three hundred pence, and have been given to the poor. And they murmured against her.

“And Jesus said, Let her alone; why trouble ye her? she hath wrought a good work on me.

“For ye have the poor with you always, and whensoever ye will ye may do them good: but me ye have not always.

“She hath done what she could: she is come aforehand to anoint my body to the burying.

“Verily I say unto you, Wheresoever this gospel shall be preached throughout the whole world, this also that she hath done shall be spoken of for a memorial of her.” (Mark 14:3-9)

We never learn her name, yet we do know who she was by what she did. She was a faithful disciple of the Lord who knew and understood why He had come and what was about to happen to Him. She showed Him respect in spite of what others, even members of her own church, said about her. It is my prayer that we also may be showing respect to the Lord when He returns and that He will know us by our having faithfully followed Him while we wait for His return.

“For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord, they shall inherit the earth.” (Psalms 39:9)

I love that God sent His only begotten Son for me and you. I also know that:

“We are eternal beings. We have no way of comprehending how long we dwelt in the presence of God as his spirit children. We are here in mortality for a moment of testing and trial. Then we will come forth in the resurrection, receive an inheritance in whatever kingdom we deserve, and go on living the commandments to all eternity.

“This life consists of a brief yesterday, a few short hours of today, and a few moments tomorrow. The oldest men among us scarcely live longer than a hundred years. But the life that is to be is forever. It will have no end. Men (and women) will rise from the grave and not die after. Life is eternal, unending; never after the resurrection will the children of our Father taste death.”

“Then shall all men (and women) stand before the bar of the great Jehovah to be judged according to the deeds done in the flesh.”  Spencer W Kimball – (1895-1985)

I love that the Lord loves women as well as men. I love that Jesus Christ invites us all to follow Him and be like Him, so that His Father, the Most High God will see that We Love Them and are listening to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit in our own lives.

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Females

This morning, as I awoke, these thoughts came to me:

“Yes, Lord Jesus, I will follow thee.
I will walk the path thou hast shown.
I will do what thou hast asked me to do.
I will do my best to use moderation in all things.
I will try to explain why I feel as strongly as I do
About things that are most important
When I hear others mock and ridicule sacred things
I will explain truth to them in patience
Then I will be still: For Thou are God, and Thou alone understands our hearts.”

I so yearn to speak to my own daughters and granddaughters, and thus, I speak to all those girls who were born after.

To those whom say: “I’m a good Christian or LDS” even though I:

  • Brag about having two or more pairs of earrings
  • Brag about designing my own tattoo
  • Brag about being “gay”
  • Whine because I cannot pass the sacrament
  • Whine because I cannot be a bishop

You, my sweet sisters, have no clue “why”:

  • Jesus did what He did for you personally
  • It is important to follow the living prophets

Bless your heart, I ask you to pray about what I share. I do hope you remember how to pray and to whom you are praying. I remind you that the Holy Spirit can teach you truth by knowledge. Your own “personal revelation” so you can’t be tricked. He speaks “spirit to spirit” with each of us. This is why Father sends Him to us, rather we are members or not.

I know when you remember “why” Jesus came to earth for you personally, it will be easier for you to do what is pleasing to Him and our Heavenly Parents. He was and is the example for us all, individually.

When you and I lived before we came to earth, we did not have physical bodies. Nonetheless, we did have a female body of matter that is more refined than a physical body. We had feelings and thoughts and agency to choose right from wrong.

After we demonstrated “by our actions” to Father in Heaven that we wanted to be like Heavenly Mother and have our own physical body, they trusted us enough to allow us to come to earth and gain our own bodies. We also promised them that we would do all they asked us to do, so we could be worthy to come back to be with them.

My sweet girl, you are a spiritual daughter of God who is having a mortal experience. You are NOT a mortal who might have an occasional spiritual experience.

Know that you are loved my millions of women who came before you and are anxious to see you again.

Father in Heaven has given us many ways to keep us safe and help us understand what we need “know and do” in order to return to our Heavenly home. One way is living prophets. Since the days of Adam and Eve, God has called these types of messengers to teach truth. In every period of time there have been living prophets who have spoken regarding God’s will and wishes for us “personally”. Some of our ancestors had the Holy Bible as a record of those prophets who lived and died in Europe. Many of us have the Book of Mormon as a record of those prophets who lived and died in the Americas. You and I have “living” prophets who speak to us and help us to know what is currently needed and how to avoid being tricked by evil. We have “current” written material that is just as important as the Holy Bible and Book of Mormon, which is published each and every month. These teach us current truths from the living prophets to keep us safe in this day and age and can be preserved for our descendants so they too can read what was said after we die.

When we do not read the words of those who lived in days past, we tend to make the same mistakes they made. When we do not listen and follow our living prophets, we tend to make the same mistakes as those who never knew truth or lived in days past and were swept off the earth by God. When people repent and turn away from pride and accept His love, they are saved, however, when they do not, they are doomed to repeat what happened in days past.

God promised to never flood the earth again as He did in the times of Noah. Each time you see a rainbow, remember that promise. God always keeps His word. I asked you to never forget that the next time it will be by fire.

In case you have forgotten, or never heard of Noah’s time, I suggest you start with the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:1-17) so you can understand why God is displeased. These were not suggestions, they were laws to keep us safe.

Then, chose you this day whom you will serve. As for me, I will serve the Lord.

Always remember and never forget: “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.”  (William R Wallace)

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Abuse is never okay

“We are all in this together. We need each other, oh, how we need each other. Those of us who are old need you who are young. And, hopefully, you who are young need some of us who are old. It is a sociological fact that women need women. We need deep and satisfying and loyal friendships with each other. These friendships are a necessary source of sustenance. We need to renew our faith every day. We need to lock arms and help build the kingdom so that it will roll forth and fill the whole earth.” Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley.

Please know that this might contain triggers for some of you. It contains violence from the past and help for those bishops and others who honor the priesthood as well as sisters who need to hear this. It is not for those who feel that women deserve to be abused or called liars when they share truth.

After I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day-saints, I married an evil man. He was not of the church, and I am grateful he was not. He was a man who had molested his own children from the time they were babies. They were not mine, nonetheless, when I married him they became mine. They were all drug addicts, alcoholics, and had been abused in ways that would turn your stomach. Even their own grandparents did not step up to help them. When we first married, I did not know he was that type of man.

He used the old “pleasure vs pain” technique. His brother abused me, while he came to my defense. He assured me that even though his brother was that way, he was not and he would protect me. He “came to my rescue” and due to my own history of abuse since I was about 3 years old up until I joined the church, I felt I needed his protection.

The Holy Spirit tried to warn me. I was prompted that, “Because of this man, you will either gain or lose your eternal soul.” I thought, “Oh, that means if I can teach him the gospel, I can be sealed to a man for all eternity who will protect my virtue.” Boy, how stupid I was back then. I had not been to the Temple yet, so had no clue how to understand what was going on until after the fact. But once I learned, I have never forgotten this lesson:  “When you feel something is not right, go with that feeling. Never doubt yourself.”

The first time I went with Sonny to breakfast with his brother, Delbert put a line of coke (a drug) on the table. I got up, grabbed my coat and walked out. As I passed Sonny I said, “I don’t do drugs, and am not going to be around those who do. Good night.” When I got to my apartment, his brother pushed the door open and came over to me. He grabbed my hand and pushed it against the back of my arm. The pain caused me to drop to my knees. He said, “No one walks out on my brother.” From the floor, I looked up and said, “You can kill me and I’ll not go to him.”  I fully expected to be dead by morning. I later learned if I had not fallen for their trick, I probably would have been killed and dumped in a dumpster like they had done to so many others.

Just then, his brother came through the door and pulled him off of me. He made him get out, then took my wrist in his hands talking calming words to me while he messaged it. After I sat down on the couch, he went and got a cool rag, all the time telling me how his brother tends to be a bit violent at times, but he would never allow him to hurt me again. I fell for it hook-line-and-sinker.

Over the next little while, I began to be sick. I did not understand it at that time, but he was drugging me. He would go into my bathroom and light a joint (marijuana). I did not know it then, but my uncle had taught him how to subdue me. But I’ll explain that another time. When I am around that substance, my body stops working. My mind shuts down and I can’t move. I can almost see, but it is distorted vision. I can’t talk. It is horrible. After a few days of this, he left and I found that I was beginning to feel better. I was able to get out of bed and when I went back to work, my employer told me he was glad I was doing better and that my customers missed me. I did not realize how long I had been sick.

One day, while sitting at the table, going through my photograph album, Sonny came into the apartment and touched a photograph of a lady who I used to take care of as a younger woman. Her name was Mildred Wentworth. He told me that he had seen her the night I was sick (which was actually several days and nights). He told me that he had seen her sitting in my chair and had told him to get me some aspirin, and that is what he did. (I later learned it was not aspirin he gave me.) He had been told by my uncle that I believed in spirit beings, so he used that against me to trick me.

He then took me to his parents home up in Chelan, Washington where they lived as housekeepers out by a lake. We stayed with them. and had even taken his son from his first wife with us. He was training his son, but I did not know that at that time. All I knew was, his son had been sleeping in the garage at his mother’s home on an old pile of rags. The house wasn’t for him, as they were having orgies each night and day. His mother had been selling her children to her “Johns”. The house was a pig sty and there is no way I would allow any child to live in that filth and degradation. Thus, I agreed to go with them to his grandmother’s home. I thought perhaps they would keep him and raise him. Again, I was so wrong. While his grandfather was a good man who loved Jesus, his grandmother was a bit different. She and her sister had abused Sonny when he was young. it was being passed down from generation to generation.

I asked her why she did not do something when she saw how the boys mother was treating them. She said they could “not get involved”. That bothered me. I was now a grandmother to her son’s children’s children. I stepped in and rescued those two boys of his daughters, when she allowed them to sleep in a goodwill bin. Many times, I would get a call and go pick them up. I keep them for several weeks, many times, to help them become healthy and little boys again, until she would come back into town and remember that she got no money without those children. She would attend ac lass, then the courts would allow her to have them again.  Good grief. Growing up, I heard a lot of that “we can’t get involved crap.” (Please, excuse the language.) It was not until the children were old enough to be out on their own that I finally had enough. One night, I locked myself in the bathroom, where I could pray. I said to myself, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I was prompted, “You don’t have to.”  That is the night I almost lost my eternal soul, but rather, I left.

Even after I came to Salt Lake City, I found that men are not what they should be, even in the Church. This breaks my heart. In Sunland, California, when a man held the priesthood, he honored it. He stepped up and blessed those in his ward. When I got word that Sonny was coming to Salt Lake City, my companion called our Bishop, who was out of town. His counselor came to the apartment to see me. He could tell how upset I was, but his counsel was, “A woman belongs with her husband. You need to do what he told you to do.” I tried to explain why I could not do that, yet he would not listen. He called me a bad Mormon. A bad woman. I asked him to leave. He would not, so I went into my bedroom and shut the door.

He opened the door and came into my room, all the while accusing me not loving and being obedient to my husband. Again, I asked him to leave. He kept telling me what a bad Latter-day-saint woman I was to disobey advice from a man. I ordered him to leave. I stated “This is my home, and you are not my husband. Get out of my bedroom.” My companion came in trying to calm me down. I got angry with her for allowing that man to be in my bedroom. I went into the bathroom and locked the door. I was really hoping he would vacate the premises, but he did not. He convinced my companion that I was going to kill myself and so they called the police, who came, with an ambulance and they took the door off the hinges. They had no clue that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and when I saw the door coming off and men grabbing me, I panicked and began to fight. They had to restrain me on a gurney to get me out of the building.  I ended up in a mental hospital in restraints and drugged until my bishop got back in town. He came to see me, and I was soon released and placed back into my old missionary apartment where I was surrounded by the royal priesthood. I was safe again, for awhile.

The good thing about it was this: I lived in a high rise full of righteous men and women. One of the things that scared me knowing Sonny was coming to town was that he was willing to hurt others just to get to me. I was afraid he would kill my companion and blow up the building if I stayed there. I had given photographs of him to the front desk as well as at the Family History Library. I had talked to security about the problem. I had prayed and prayed to know what to do, and this was an answer to those prayers. A hard answer, I must admit. But an answer nonetheless.

I’m sorry to say that branded me from that moment on. Here in Salt Lake City, good people believe I am insane. They will not listen to anything I say, until they get to know me. Only a few, have understood. And bless them for that, they never knew why I had to keep moving. I had no voice to explain myself. Each time someone would cut the bars off my bedroom windows, or leave threatening notes, I knew I had to move again. Someone was coming to either hurt or kill me. Each time I felt safe, something evil would come. I know that as much as God loves me, so Satan hates me. Since I do know exactly how much God loves me, that was a very real fear, until I received my patriarchal blessing. Now that I know this key, I can tell when something is a gift from God or a curse from Satan.

I love that the Lord has allowed me a place to vent and to find the true help I have so desperately needed. The prophets of God have taught me truths and I can not even share those, unless I am among those the Lord has prepared to hear. Now, I learned I must move again. I know it is time, but in my age and health it is difficult to find such a place. But I know that God will provide if I am patient enough to wait upon Him.

Thank you for listening. Hugs from a distance.

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