#Abuse, #Catholics, #Christians, #God, #Healing, #Jews, #Kindness, #LDS, #Pain, #Trust

Kindness is contagious

A police officer was the first human to show me kindness. When he lifted me and covered my nakedness, he smiled at me in a kind way. He rescued me from certain death and took me to a hospital, while his partners arrested those whom should have been kind to me and the ambulance drivers took care of my big sister.

As a child, I was considered “retarded”, because of how I coped with situations over which I had no control. By the time I was 5 years old, I had been in and out of foster homes and hospitals. My mother died when I was 3 years 5 months old and from then until that officer rescued me, my sister and I had known only cruelty. The judge called me a “feral child” and those who should have taken care of me “animals”. Yet, real animals have always been kind to me.

For those who were trying to be kind (the doctors, nurses, therapists, and others): I was having to deal with things I did not understand, so I did not behave the way a “normal” child would. I did not speak, only because I had been trained to not speak, not because I did not know how (But they did not know that). I used my fingers to eat, only because I had been forced to live outside and did not have silverware, plates, cups etc. Animals had shown me how to drink and eat so I had survived in spite of the odds.

The staff at the hospital had to restrain me to a bed, only because up until then I had not been allowed to be on a bed and was afraid to be up that high. I had no idea what a bathroom was supposed to be used for, because the only time I was in one: someone was trying to kill me. I did what I needed to do on the floor as I had done outside on the ground behind the grape arbor. I did not know how to be clean as most people know clean, nor brushing of teeth, etc. To the world’s view, I was “retarded”. Not because God made me that way, but because men and women had made me that way.

There was one nurse in particular, and even though I don’t know her name, I shall never forget her and what she did for me. She was the first to help me understand goodness and patience. As a wee child, to be honest, people scared me. I kept expecting someone to do to me what had been done in the past, and thus I struggled when people tried to help me. For me, it was life or death, but they did not understand that. In the hospital, I slept under the bed when they did not restrain me. I could not stand up due to damage, until after doctors fixed my body. Pain was normal for me, but this pain was to relieve pain, and that was confusing to me. I was not used to “not” having pain.

The nurse of whom I speak was able to take me into the bathroom because of her kindness. While she kept me on the toilet, she did not force me, but rather she sat on the floor next to the toilet to keep me company. She talked to me as she waited for me to “use” it. I can not tell you how long it took, I just know when I finally did “use” it, that nurse clapped her hands and then gently lifted me down. Her touch was kindness, not cruelty; something I was not used to. The only other person who had shown me kindness was that police officer. As she showed me the rest of what I needed to learn, I was not afraid and I did learn. Normally when people touched me there was pain, but with her, there was no pain; when other people wanted me to do something, there was pain, but never from her.

As an adult, when I am under a lot of stress, I still cope in ways others may not understand. Yet, for me, I found ways to survive and I am a good member of society. I learned by remembering the kindness of certain strangers and trying to be like them.

As a religious person, I know where goodness comes from. I hope my life can help others to know when they are kind, they are appreciated more than they will ever know. When they are kind to those whom they do not understand, they are the hands and heart of God in teaching others that all humans are not cruel.

To those who asked me to share this part of my life: thank you for asking. I do hope others will think before they judge how people behave. There is always a reason we do what we do. God loves His children, but not all His children, love children. Thank you for being one who does love God’s children.

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#BeCauseHeLives, #Christian, #Depression, #Faith, #Gift, #God, #Hope, #Jesus Christ, #loss, #Mercy, #Pain, #Patience, #peace, #Prayer, #Trust, #Truth, #Women

Sad memories

I can remember when I began to bleed and was rushed to the hospital. My husband came and sat beside me, holding my hand. I had just given birth to a little a few months previously, and did not really know what was going on.

Then, the doctor came in and said, “It’s cancer. We need to get you upstairs right away. You will have no more children.” He then looked at my husband as the nurse gave me a shot. My husband went with him and I went to sleep.

When I was able to go home, my husband paced behind the couch. I asked him to come hold me. He back up. Then, he said, ‘I can’t take this. A baby is one thing, cancer is something else. I need to leave, now.” He walked out the door and drove off.

I was so alone, so scared, and had no one to call or any way to find comfort. I put a blanket around my baby and get into my car and just drove.

Tears fell down my face and I don’t remember what my thoughts were. I just know I drove until I saw the red lights flashing in my rear view mirror. I pulled the car over to the side of the road, and the officer motioned me to roll down my window.

“Did you know you were going over 100 miles an hour?” he asked. I continued to cry and then he leaned over and looked at my little girl on the front seat. He asked me to step out of the car, which I did, and then he talked to me. I spoke of what had happened, and he took us to a coffee shop and we talked. He made a phone call, then told me to follow him. He took me home to be with his wife, who held me and comforted me until I could stop crying.

I was there for 3 days and nights, while she cared for me and my child. Then, I went home, and began to think of how I was going to care for a child and still have my treatments. How was I going to work… Life was never easy, but I did what I had to do. I survived, until the next bout of cancer stuck it’s ugly head up.

Sorry to be so down tonight. I should have been in bed almost an hour ago. I shall return and then begin again. Good night.

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#Depression, #Faith, #Meditation, #peace

Meditation

When I was young, I lived with my uncle and his 2nd wife. During the summer they took all of us foster children to Yosemite to camp for a week. Back in those day, one could put up a tent, set up camp and just go enjoy nature. It was wonderful.

There was a spot at the bottom of the falls where a small pond pooled and we could go swimming. Back then, I was still afraid of water, nonetheless, soon I was splashing and having a grand time with the rest of the children. The days were warm and the nights awe inspiring. The sky was clear and the air crisp. It reminded me of when I lived out back. Now I was around people, but I think I liked it better in the back yard than with this group of people.

One night, after we had gone to bed, I heard my cousin giggling. I rolled over and peeked towards her tent. There were two bear cubs playing with her stuff. One of them was licking her toes. I just lay there watching them, until they finally wandered off. Then, I jumped up and asked my cousin if she had washed her feet before she went to bed. She said, “No”, but after that she did each night. I heard later that she got the tent and I got the sleeping bag since I would not do what was required of me before we came. Silly them. I liked sleeping outdoors better anyway.

During the week there was what is called a “Fire Fall” where the boy scouts would build a large bonfire and then at a certain time shout out, “Let the fire fall” and then push the hot coals over the cliff. It was an actual waterfall of red rather than a normal waterfall. You could hear the shout all across the valley below.

After everyone was asleep, I would go over to pond and walk behind the falls and touch the water. I would think about God and how He was watching us even though we were far from home. I wondered if my mother could see me. Due to some issues caused by my earlier youth, I was in a lot of physical pain most of the time. However, when I was out in nature I felt such peace. I could almost ignore the pain and depression of not having anyone to really love me in a good way.

Many times over the years I would come back to Yosemite by myself, then I moved to the desert and found the same type of peace among the cactus flowers. Then, I moved to be close to the ocean. I loved it in San Diego, California. I used to play the Autoharp and would take my instrument where ever I went to sing praises to the Lord. Back then, I did not know that I was really His daughter, but I wanted to have a Father like him.

There were times in my life when I had to be very quiet. I used to draw to help me pass the time and soon I became almost good at it. I used to push my dresser in front of my bedroom door to keep me and the smaller children safe and to keep others out of my room. Finally I began to run away, even though they kept taking me back. After I got older, I learned that I could earn meals by playing music or drawing people in restaurants, and when I set up my easel on the sidewalks, I could earn money by drawing those who saw my work. Soon, I had enough money to get a place to live. But even sleeping in the mountains or on the beach, I felt much safer alone than being around others.

It wasn’t until I moved to Yuma, Arizona that I began to learn who I really am.

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