A few months ago, my doctor told me that a spot on my lungs needs to be checked out. He felt it might be growing again. At that time I told him I don’t want to know if it is. I already have enough problems. Yet, in my heart and mind I was concerned. Over the years cancer has plagued me from to time.
In the past I have been told many things. For example: I was told by four or five doctors I have MS and also told by three that no, I do not have it. Which is rather funny since those other MRI’s revealed so many lesions and I continue to have all the symptoms, even though at first I did not know that is what they were. I have been told I have a degenerative bone disease and also been told that can’t be possible since it can only be arthritis and bursitis, as if that doesn’t hurt. I have been told my pain comes from fibromyalgia and also been told, since I don’t hurt all the time, I must not have it. I have had tumorous growths on my kidney, my spleen was swollen, my liver was almost dead and then told: that diagnoses must have been wrong, after all, even though your kidney is shaped funny, it is clear and working. From time to time I have had tumors and almost lost my leg because of them. As well as diabetes when in the past I had the opposite, low blood sugar where I had to be hospitalized to bring me back up. I have had numerous concussions, bruises, abrasions, been locked up and tied up and restrained rather than treated with kindness, been told I have emphysema, when it was double pneumonia, mistreated by those whom should have known better, and in general just had a lousy time being alive.
Through all this, the Lord has never left me alone. Yes, you heard me right. He has been with me through it all. Even before I knew that I was a child of God, He was there for me. I have been locked up, had my memories erased, been drugged, and called a liar because I spoke truth. I have been called crazy since a young girl because I would not willingly do those things others thought was right, yet I knew were wrong.
Since joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day-saints, those whom honor the priesthood have blessed me and God has healed me time and time again, which seems to disturb medical doctors. It also disturbs others in that they complain that God has not healed them nor their loved ones, and they want to know why He does this for me. I try to help them understand that it has nothing to do with me. It is all from God’s will. He knows I have no loved ones to take care of me. He knows I have wanted to be His since I was just a wee child, even though I had no humans to care about me. I believe with all my heart that God only allows us to go through what we need to go through in order to be closer to the Lord and be prepared to dwell with those who suffered so much in the name of the Lord.
Brigham Young once said: “Trials Are Necessary—We are now in a day of trial to prove ourselves worthy or unworthy of the life which is to come.” (Journal of Discourses, volume 12:167)
Since joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day-saints, and receiving my own endowments, I wanted to retire at the Los Angeles Temple, so I could just stay on hallowed ground full time where I knew I would be safe and serve in the Holy Temple of our Lord until Father brings me home. But that is not to be.
We all can find comfort in the scriptures and when we do not have access to them, we still have them in our hearts and minds. Recently, I was in the ER at the University of Utah Medical Center awaiting the results of yet another MRI. Due to a lot of blood and other issues, I feared I might have had a blood clot. On the monitor beside my bed was a screen saver of stars rushing towards me. It made me smile. I had been thinking of the hymns to keep calm while in pain and this made me think of the Hymn “If You could Hie to Kolob” (Hymn 284 in the Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day-saints, 1985 edition) This gave me peace. Especially verse 5) “There is no end to glory; there is no end to love; there is no end to being; there is no death above.” words written by William Cowper (1731-1800) See also Psalms 107: 23-31 or Romans 8-24-28
Being alone in life is not easy, but when you have the Lord on your side, you can have peace no matter where you are. I am most grateful for my Branch President who always gives me good counsel. In this particular situation, he told me to be obedient to my doctors. Thus, after I prayed and asked Father to help me be calm in explaining why I felt I needed to go home rather than another institution, He gave it to me and I was able to return to my own little apartment.
Obedience is the first rule of heaven.